


Never Insecure

by blueschist



Category: Fire Emblem Echoes: Mou Hitori no Eiyuu Ou | Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia, Fire Emblem Series
Genre: Alcohol, Leon and Kamui get totally shitfaced, M/M, Mild Gore, Slow Burn, mild by my tastes at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-11-16 07:04:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11248752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueschist/pseuds/blueschist
Summary: The problem with the war being over was that now, Leon had nothing to distract himself from his thoughts.In other words:Leon overthinks things and goes on a journey to find himself.  Instead, he finds... Kamui.





	1. Chapter 1

After the war, Leon followed Valbar back to the capital and enlisted in the new kingdom’s military.  So what if Valbar never loved him back?  He was used to that kind of thing by this point.  Just being near Valbar was enough…

…until it wasn’t.  Valbar _thrived_ in the army, and his presence and kind, encouraging demeanor inspired others to thrive as well.  Valbar had the respect and loyalty of everyone who had the privilege to serve with him.

And sure, Leon thrived in the army too, and he was glad to see his dear friend get the admiration he truly deserved, but a part of him felt… lost.  Misplaced.

After all, what role was there for Leon to fill, if not to be Valbar’s most loyal friend (and admirer)?  Where did he fit in Valbar’s life if he’d been usurped by everyone else?  Would Valbar still have time for Leon?

‘Of course,’ the small, rational part of his mind said, ‘Valbar will always make time for you.  He may not love you in the way you’d like, but he loves you regardless.’  But as soon as Leon calmed down, his mind would fill up with worries again.

Bit by bit, Leon could feel Valbar slipping away from him (‘as if Valbar had ever been yours in the first place!’ said the intrusive thoughts).  Maybe Kamui had been right (for once), maybe he did need to move on, stop wasting his life pining after someone he could never have.

Leon quietly packed his essentials and left in two days’ time.

***

One annoying thing Leon had forgotten to account for was that leaving meant he no longer had a regular job, and without a regular job there was no regular income, and, well, that was kind of important for eating and sleeping and such.  He took up odd jobs here and there, eventually stumbling across a poorly-organized mercenary guild in the corner of a tavern, which in turn pointed Leon toward a backwoods town with a bandit problem.  Yeah, ‘cause one person could totally win against a huge group of bandits, easy. 

Just kidding.

“We’ve also sent someone else to deal with them, so this shouldn’t be that hard.”  Oh, well, alright, because two people could definitely take on a whole flock of bandits, no sweat!

Just kidding.  Leon neared the bandit’s stronghold and hid himself between two outcroppings of rock, where he could get a clear view of his targets.  He drew his bow, zeroing in on one guardsman who seemed to be having a hell of a time digging something out of his ear.

But before he could fire his shot, the bandit fell dead.  Leon had been so focused on his task he’d failed to notice anything else.  Keeping his bow drawn, he scanned the landscape for the person responsible, quickly spotting a swordsman whose silhouette struck him as distinctly familiar.

Leon slowly lowered his bow as the realization hit.  “…. Kamui?”

Nah, it couldn’t be.  Kamui was currently doing whatever else and practicing some sort of self-preservation, probably.  Certainly not charging headlong into a den of bandits, like a dumbass.

Ah, no, the way he was swinging his blade, it was definitely Kamui.  Welp, it wasn’t Leon’s problem, Kamui could just go get himself killed or whatever.  The guy could take care of himself, after all. 

Okay, maybe Leon was _a little_ worried.  It wasn’t really like Kamui to do something when the odds were stacked against him.  Strong as he was, one person versus many was never a good situation to be in. 

Leon slipped from his hiding spot and quietly followed the man in, careful not to make any sudden noises.  He didn’t want to startle the guy and get accidentally sliced in half for it!  While he could appreciate the comedic value of such a death, it wasn’t really how he pictured his own life ending. 

If this guy wasn’t actually Kamui, then he’d done a great job looking like him, right down to the boots, the pants, and that same stupid scarf.  No doubt about it, it was definitely him.

“What are you doing?” hissed Leon, making the mercenary jump and reach for his weapon.

When the other man realized it was just Leon, his tense expression morphed into one of confusion.  “…my…..job?”

Leon rolled his eyes.  “No, I mean what could possibly make you think charging a den of bandits all by yourself is a good idea?  They may have the collective intelligence of a pile of bricks, but there’re a lot of them!”

“Well, I was told I’d be working with someone else, but they never showed up, and I’m not leaving without getting paid, so…”

Someone… else?  A realization hit Leon: “Ohh… that was supposed… to be me…”

“Well, thanks for finally deciding to show up.  It’s very kind of you.”

Leon glared at him.

“Now that you’ve decided to grace me with your presence, how ‘bout we actually get this done?”

That was the first good idea Kamui had ever had.

*** 

“Since when have _you_ done mercenary work?” asked Kamui when it was over, “I thought you were living near Zofia Castle.”

Leon had barely started to answer when Kamui interrupted him again, suddenly looking worried.  “Wait…. Did something happen to Valbar?  Is he alright?”

Leon immediately went on the defensive.  “Why wouldn’t he be?”

“Well, he’s not here, is he?”

“He’s fine, Kamui…”

Despite Leon’s assurance, the worried look still hadn’t left the other man’s face.  “Then why aren’t… I thought you two were going back to join the new order of knights?”

Leon answered slowly.  “Yes… we were.”

“Then what the hell are you doing taking mercenary jobs near the Rigelian border?”

“What I do is none of your business, Kamui.”

“You’re right, it’s not.  I just find it hard to imagine _you_ of all people turning to a mercenary lifestyle.  _Especially_ without Valbar.  Forgive me if I’m a little concerned.”

Leon groaned.  “As if I need your concern!?  If you couldn’t tell, I’m doing perfectly fine on my own!”

Kamui put his hands up in surrender.  “Okay, okay!  Sorry.  I’m not trying to start a fight here.”

Leon left in a huff.  He collected his money, took a room at the inn, and sat down with his head in his hands.  The indignation that thrummed beneath his skin gave way to dread.  This was a mistake, this was a mistake.  What had he been thinking?  Tomorrow he’d pack up his things and go home, and make up a story about visiting his hometown so Valbar wouldn’t worry.

*** 

He didn’t go home.  He’d thought about it, sure.  But the prospect of returning only to realize he hadn’t been missed was just too much to bear.  (The rational part of his mind told him that this was ridiculous, that the only thing that would make Valbar not care was if he had been possessed by some horrible, ancient demon.  But hey, anything’s possible, right?  And as long as there was a chance, he wasn’t gonna risk it.)

As such, he would end up working with Kamui again… and again…… and again………  It wasn’t actually that bad.  They worked pretty well together, just like they had during the war, and they got along reasonably well enough.  It was Kamui’s insistence on a variety of awful conversation topics that really got on Leon’s nerves.

“I don’t get it.  Why’d you leave, then, if you’re still hung up on Valbar?”

Leon groaned.  “We’ve been over this.  It’s not something I wanna talk about.”

“Got it,” said Kamui, who went back to patching holes in his clothes.  “Geez,” he said, holding up something that was probably once a shirt, but now looked as if it had been fought over by a group of bears and possibly set on fire.

Between jobs, they usually had a bit of downtime.  It was something Kamui looked forward to, but Leon found it gave him far too much time to think.  He’d bought some playing cards at the last city to amuse himself, and was currently playing an absolutely riveting game of solitaire while Kamui did his laundry.

“You know, there’s plenty of other guys out there, besides him,” Kamui brought up, “I’m sure there’s someone else who will to meet your standards.”

“Kamui, for the last time, you’re _not_ my type,” Leon said without looking up.

“When did I…?  Y’know what?  Never mind.  I don’t care.”

“Where would I even find someone else?” Leon sighed.  “A man like Valbar is one-in-a-million.”

“Then you’ll just have to talk to a million people to find that person, right?”

Leon groaned and buried his face in his hands.  “You just don’t _get it_ , Kamui,” he spat, “What would you know?  You never stay anywhere long enough to get attached to people.”

“Okay, maybe I don’t.”  He shrugged.  “But since we’re being honest here, maybe you’d have better luck if you quit lusting after idealized versions of real people.”

Leon was dumbstruck, and furiously returned to his card game.  A heavy silence fell between the two men for a while.

Kamui was the first to break the silence.  “Wait, so is this, like, your grand adventure to find your perfect man or whatever?”

“I…” Leon had honestly forgotten about that.  “I guess?  I haven’t actually been looking, haha.”

“You could always go to Archanea, you might find someone there who meets your standards.”  Kamui paused.  “Or maybe you should wait on that.  Things were kinda headed south when I left.”

“You’ve been to Archanea?”

“Well yeah, I’ve been a lot of places.  I came to Valentia about five years ago… and before Archanea I was…. Well, at the rate I’m going, I’ll probably run out of places to go by the time I’m 45, I guess.  I don’t know what I’ll do when that happens.  I don’t really return to the places I’ve already been, but who knows?”

Well, Leon wasn’t really expecting Kamui to be the progenitor of depressing thoughts.

“… I think about that a lot, actually.  Most people aim to eventually settle down somewhere, but I’ve never been able to get with that.  All my siblings, too, they were able to adapt to the city life, so what’s wrong with me?  And you’re right, maybe I don’t form any sort of lasting relationships because every time I do, they expect me to just stop whatever I’m doing and just stay in the same boring village for the rest of my life.”

“Well aren’t you kind of settled down right now, helping Jesse with his ideas?”

“Yeah, but it won’t last.  Sooner or later I’ll get tired of living like that, and the cycle will begin anew.”

The mercenary guilds popping up across Valentia had all been Jesse’s idea, a means to easily contract out members of his fledgling nation.  Kamui had told him that such infrastructure was necessary to ensure the country’s long-term success.  Leon still didn’t quite understand how a country like that was supposed to function outside of peaceful times.  Kamui seemed to trust in the idea, so Leon would too for the time being. 

Ok, so maybe not all of Kamui’s conversation topics were dull, but then there were times when they’d be having a pint at the local tavern after a particularly exhausting day guarding a convoy of merchants, when he’d suddenly burst out with:

“Wait, so the reason you left is because other people were coming to appreciate Valbar for some of the same reasons you appreciate him, _and you got jealous?_ ” Kamui asked, incredulous.  “What the hell?”

“Shhh! Not so loud!!!” said Leon, loudly.

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t so much Kamui “suddenly bursting out with” as it was “Leon had casually brought it up himself in a bizarre lapse of judgment.”  And maybe it wasn’t so much of “having _a_ pint” as it was “having more than a few.”  And maaaa _ybe_ “more than a few” couldn’t be left without the addendum of “and then some.”  Maybe they were both drunk. 

“I never expected you to do something so… insecure.”

This caught Leon off-guard.  “E- _excuse_ me?”

“I always took you for someone who was very confident and self-assured.  I didn’t think you gave a rat’s ass about what other people thought of you.”

See?  Incredibly annoying.  The worst.  This man could not have a decent conversation to save his life.  It was a good thing Leon was always there to uh, to do that for him, or whatever. 

Leon took another drink.

“What about that guy?” said Kamui, pointing at a random bar patron.

“Uhhm, he’s _balding_!?” Leon objected.

“Oh, yeah, you’re right.”

“You didn’t notice?? Look at – look at his hairline!”

Leon had apparently begun shouting at some point, as a stocky woman at a nearby table brought to his knowledge with a polite “Shut the fuck up!”

“IMAGINE that, someone being LOUD in a TAVERN!” Leon said mockingly to Kamui, “Unbelievable!  No one has EVER been loud in a tavern before!”

“Simmer down.  What about that guy?” he said, pointing to a one-eyed frowning man with dark purple hair.  “He’s attractive.”

“Kamui… we know that guy…”

“No we don—ooooh wait, yeah we do.  Whoops.”

“Are you… are you telling _me_ that you think Deen is attractive?  I didn’t think you were into men.”

“I only said that I wasn’t into _you_.  I personally don’t care who I go to bed with.”

“So long as you wake up in the morning, right?”  Leon laughed at his own joke.

“I already told you – shut the fuck up!” said the annoying woman at the next table.

“Excuse me for having a good time.  If you want to be somewhere silent, then I have a suggestion.”  Leon got right up in her face.  “Why don’t you go to the _fucking_ library!”  From the corner of his eye, he saw Deen begin to choke. 

They were kicked out of the bar.  “I can’t believe you,” said Kamui.

“Um, I can’t believe _you_ wouldn’t let me _give that woman a piece of my mind_.”

They began their trek to the nearby inn.  The world spun wildly around Leon, and his eyes couldn’t keep up with it.  He took a step forward and suddenly felt weightless, like he was calmly hovering over reality.

“Whoa,” Kamui said from above him, clinging to a wall for stability, “how much did you _drink_?”

Leon laughed.  “How much did _you_ drink?” he repeated back.  “Kamui, you can barely stand.”

“At least I _am_ standing.”

Leon kept laughing, his laugh becoming more of a wild cackle.  His whole body felt warm from the alcohol, heating him up from the inside out.  It wasn’t an entirely unpleasant feeling, and reminded him of days spent daydreaming in simpler times, before the war.  He thought back to earlier in the evening – why had he been so worried?  All his problems seemed so small now.  Why had he left the capital again?

“You were right, Kamui,” began Leon, as said mercenary tried to help him up without falling over.

“About what?”  He got Leon standing, supporting him with an arm hooked under his shoulders.

“You were right,” repeated Leon.

“About _WHAT?_ ”

Through teamwork and a heavy dose of Believing in Themselves, the two of them managed to stumble their way to the inn and pay for a room.

“Valbar wouldn’t hate me for anything,” said Leon.

“Well yeah, you guys are like family.”

Leon frowned.  “…I’m all he’s got left…” he said quietly.

It was true.  They really were kind of like family, especially after the whole thing with Barth… and Leon had just left without saying anything, meaning Valbar had effectively lost his family twice, and –

Kamui patted him on the shoulder, breaking Leon from his reverie.  Leon watched the other man as he tried to muster up enough coordination to remove some of his gear.

Leon lay back on the bed.  “I underestimated you, Kamui… you’re actually pretty great.”  He swallowed thickly, a strange feeling flooding his chest.  Oh.  That’s what it was.  He was sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> schrodinger's deen: did he die choking on cheap shitty booze? did he survive???
> 
> listen. i love kamui. i love him so much. he's up there with rennac on my list of favorite male FE characters. he's great and perfect.
> 
> this was originally going to be like, a story about Leon's big gay adventure to find the perfect man where Kamui is the reluctant wingman but uh
> 
> There are still character descriptions out there that describe Valbar as being a "big brother figure" to Leon and it's like damn... Leon doesn't have a snowflake's chance in hell does he... poor guy
> 
> Also I will go on record to say I don't think Kamui is from Valentia or Archanea.
> 
> anyways Thanks for reading! Criticism is always welcome, as I'm only seeking to improve! :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here u go. there's blood and stuff. also ~feelings~

This one would be an easy enough job: a group of Duma Faithful loyal to that freakish priest Jedah were causing a stir in the area near Dolth Keep, attacking travelers and disrupting trade routes in order to avenge their fallen god.  They’d taken control of the surrounding areas, and were clamoring for the death of Alm and anyone else they thought responsible, which was everyone but themselves.

The unified kingdom, young as it was, didn’t have the needed manpower to do it without stretching themselves thin, and could only send a small group of about 20 soldiers.  That being said, they had already sent a small group of soldiers to subdue the Jedah Loyalists.  Leon and Kamui and a couple others were hired to join them, fill in the gaps they couldn't fill themselves.

Leon re-laced his boots for the millionth time while he waited for Kamui at the town's entrance. He wasn't used to being the early one (it was usually Kamui who waited for Leon!) so he made a mental note to relentlessly bother the other man about it later.  Others had also begun to gather in preparation for leaving, most of them actual soldiers.  It was a little weird, having to fight alongside a group he'd left only half a year earlier.  Leon would be lying if he said he wasn't a little bit apprehensive.  Did he know any of them?  Did they resent him?

“So this is where you’ve been, huh?”

Leon froze.  That voice… it was…

“Valbar?!” He turned around, and sure as day it was him.  Before he knew it, he’d been pulled into a bone-crushing hug.

“I heard you’d found work as a mercenary, so I just had to come an’ see for myself.”

Leon felt sheepish.  “I… I’m sorry for leaving…  I just, um, I needed to work through some things.  I didn’t mean to make you worry… Haha, I guess I’m not much of a friend, am I?”

“Nonsense.  There’s nothin’ wrong with taking a breather every once and a while,” Valbar assured him.

Gods, Leon didn’t deserve this.  He sniffled and wiped the moisture from his eyes.

“That said, I am a little ticked off that you left without saying anything,” said Valbar, “I’m just glad Kamui wrote to say you were ok, otherwise I would’ve worried my head off.”

“Oh?  Did he say anything else about me?”

“That you started a bar fight and puked all over him.” 

Oh.

“I gotta say, I never pictured you doing mercenary work,” said Valbar.

“Why does everyone say that?  It’s not that out of the ordinary.”

Valbar laughed in response.

Leon was incredibly relieved, thankful that Valbar still considered him a friend, that Valbar had been  _worried_ about him, even.  He felt like a fool for ever thinking otherwise, for allowing his irrational fears to take hold of him in such a way.  It was a little embarrassing, realizing that Kamui had actually been  _right_ about something (not that Leon would ever tell the other man, that is).

***

“Y’know,” said Kamui later, “you could always go back home with Valbar, after this is done.”

Leon’s mouth went dry.  Why did he stick around?  If this really was supposed to be his grand adventure to find the ideal man, then he was doing a terrible job at it.  He’d made zero progress, and perhaps tagging along with Kamui was the root cause of that.  And sure, Leon got on well with him, but he did with many other people as well.  It honestly wouldn’t make a difference who he traveled with.  There was really…

“Well, someone has to be there to make sure you don’t do anything dumb,” said Leon.

“Right…” Kamui said, not sounding convinced.  “I just wanted to make sure.  You’re free to do whatever you want.”

A part of Leon did want to go back with Valbar, to return to a more secure lifestyle, to continue with the platonic domesticity and that had characterized the last couple years of his life.  He missed Valbar dearly.  But being a mercenary and travelling the continent was interesting, and Kamui wasn’t all that bad to be around sometimes.  Who knows?  Maybe if he kept with Kamui, he would eventually find his perfect man.

“What, are you tired of me?” he teased, “And here I thought we were starting to hit it off…”

Or maybe there was nobody out there for Leon.  Either was a possibility.

Kamui sighed.  “You know that’s not what I’m trying to say.  And for the record, I actually enjoy having you around.”

The summertime must be getting to him, because Leon suddenly felt very warm.  "I don't know what I want to do.  I'll think about it."

Maybe what Leon wanted was to keep traveling with Kamui, occasionally making stupid jabs at one another.  Maybe the person Leon didn't want to admit that to was himself. 

*** 

Subduing the Jedah loyalists was far easier than anyone anticipated.  There were relatively few of them, and they were no match for the knights of the unified kingdom.  They honestly didn’t even need the mercenaries’ help. All-in-all, it took less than two hours, and they were already on their way back.  Once the sun began to set, they made camp.

Leon woke up needing to pee, and, still half-asleep, reflexively grabbed his bow on the way out, nodding at the two young men on watch.  Moments later, as he relieved himself several paces away, the night erupted into a series of flashing lights and angry yelling, which was weird.  Did someone wake up with a snake in their bedroll?  Leon walked back to camp to realize that no, they were being attacked.  The assailants were magic-users, which explained the flashing lights and fire and stuff, as well as… monsters?

It was the Duma Faithful, those who followed the extreme beliefs of the former high priest, Jedah.  Who were supposed to have already been taken care of.  The earlier group was never meant to give them trouble… they were meant to be a distraction.

Leon crept back to camp, bow drawn, thanking Mila that he’d grabbed his weapon out of habit.  He heard shouting, and recognized it as Valbar’s voice, which was joined by the voice of one of the other knights – Forsyth, was it?  Leon really only knew him as the loud one – shouting commands to the other soldiers.  So Valbar was safe, at least…

Leon nocked an arrow and fired towards a group of monsters, hoping to hit their summoner.  When it merely took out one of the summoned creatures, he fired several more until they all crumbled to ash.

The sun was already coming over the horizon when they finally took out the last religious fanatic, and those well enough set to work gathering the wounded and fallen.  Leon had twisted his ankle, and his hair was a little singed, and he felt like one of his ears was stuffed with cotton to the point it would burst… but hey!  He wasn’t dead!  That was good.  Valbar had ruffled his hair comfortingly, which instantly healed like 65% of his pain, and he was apparently well enough to get stuck in a conversation about women with Jesse, but he had seen nothing of Kamui.

The first thing that popped into Leon’s mind was: “maybe he’s dead,” which, okay, wasn't really something he wanted to consider.  The thought made him ill, like a puddle of cold blood was settling deep in his stomach, but without actually bleeding out internally.

He stepped around two bodies, laid neatly next to one another, their throats slit almost to the bone.  The watchmen, killed silently moments after he’d left them.  Leon subconsciously rubbed at his throat.  Not far away, there was another man writhing in pain from a magical burn that covered over half of his body.  And then there was oh gods… ooh fuck.

“Kamui, tell me you’re okay!” he said, insistent.

Kamui’s scarf was bunched up underneath his head and soaked through with blood, so he very clearly was not okay.

Leon’s heartbeat slowed to a crawl.  Why did this stuff always happen to him?  He could feel himself shaking, his throat bundled into a knot that made every breath come shallow and quick.

He gently shook the other man by the shoulder.  “C-come on…”  His voice was shaky.  “Please open your eyes.”

“My eyes ARE open,” mumbled Kamui, who was still an absolute fucker.

Leon clenched his hand into a fist before dropping it into his lap.  “Ugh… asshole,” he said, his anger giving way to tears, “I thought you were dead.”

"Sorry."

"Let me see it," said Leon.  Kamui tried to get up, but winced.  "Just, ah… rest your forehead on my shoulder so I can take a look at it."

Kamui cringed as he maneuvered himself into an upright position, and Leon put an arm around him to hold him steady.  “Who hit you hard enough to split your head open?”

“Like, half of a bonewalker.” Kamui paused, probably sensing Leon’s confusion.  “I cut it apart and just kind of assumed it was dead.  Well, more dead.  It grabbed its leg and swung it at me.”

“You’re just making that up,” Leon joked.  “Has the healer seen you yet?”

He made a noise that Leon took as a yes.

“I worried about you, y’know,” Kamui began. “You weren’t anywhere in camp.  I couldn’t focus on anything until I found you.”

Oh… Kamui must’ve gotten his brains scrambled, or something.  He didn’t actually _mean_ that…

But still, with those words said, the way they were sitting felt almost uncomfortably intimate.

***

It was kind of funny, the way people could change.  How what one person considered an immutable fact of themselves could slowly warp into something different.  Leon felt as if his soul was in a state of upheaval.  He couldn’t quite put a name to it, but something about himself was different.  He could almost learn to ignore it if it wasn’t so damn distressing.

He thought he knew himself better than this.

He still loved Valbar (as if Leon ever could stop loving him – the only way that would happen is if he were suddenly possessed by an evil spirit, or something), still felt the occasional pang of longing, but now there was another feeling, a feeling that didn’t flare up whenever Leon thought of his old friend.  This new feeling had no rhyme or reason to it.  It would hit him during random, nonsensical moments, like getting a room at the local inn after a long day of escorting some cloth merchants to Zofia Harbor, or poking fun at Kamui while the other man shaved, or trying to win a free meal at a tavern by seeing who could balance the most tankards on their heads.  There was no discernable pattern, no way to ignore whatever was causing it.

He tried to ignore it anyway.

“What are you looking at me like that for?” asked Kamui one lazy afternoon.

Leon sat with his back to the house, chin resting in his hands.  As much as he’d like to say he _wasn’t_ staring… well, he’d already been caught in the act.  “I’m trying to imagine you tending sheep.  You said you were a shepherd, right?”

“Well yeah, but that was a _long_ time ago.”

“Do you miss it?” he asked.

“I mean, I guess?” said Kamui, “I don’t really think about it too much.”

“We could always get some sheep,” suggested Leon

“We don’t _need_ sheep,” Kamui said flatly.

“Well, if we’re going by necessities, we don’t _need_ soap, or eating utensils, or whatever,” said Leon, “Besides, I’ve seen how you act whenever we see them in towns or villages – you _talk_ to them!”

“No I don’t!” he insisted.

Leon stood, getting more and more riled up.  “You talk to them in a cutesy voice… like they’re babies!”

“I’m giving them words of encouragement!”

“So you admit it!” shouted Leon with absolute glee, “I’m gonna… I’m gonna tell _everyone_ that… that you talk to sheep!”

Kamui stood up slowly.  “No, you’re not!”

“Payback’s a bitch!” Leon said, breaking into a sprint. “I’m going to go tell Jesse _right now_!”  Leon knew Jesse wouldn’t care, but he could hear Kamui running after him, and damn, he was having fun.  “And then I’m gonna tell Saber, and then I will write letters to _everybody_ about the forbidden love affair between you and –”

Kamui caught up to him, putting a hand over Leon’s mouth and holding him in place.  A jolt of excitement ran though Leon.

“What’s wrong with you?” asked Kamui.

Leon laughed and removed himself from the other man’s grasp.  “That’s what you get for telling people I threw up on you.”

Leon felt breathless from laughing, his heart beating hard in his chest.  It was finally hitting him, with Kamui standing there, brow furrowed and a smile on his face, illuminated by the late afternoon sun.

 _Gods,_ he loved this man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone ran a stop sign and hit me when i was driving home sunday evening. what a great end to the weekend. please join me for the next installment, where i get hit by another car.
> 
> there will probably be a third chapter. I didn't intend to make this a super slow burn fic but what do you know, that's the only romance i write


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck convention! FUCK standards! Leon was gonna grab life by the horns and FUCK IT!!! Wait… no....

Kamui was handsome, in a sense.  Not like Valbar, who was a level of perfection that few mortals could hope to achieve, but still charming in his own way.  He was unexpectedly intelligent and insightful, and could be funny when he wanted to be.  There was a certain grace to everything Kamui did that Valbar just didn’t have (which was excruciatingly hard for Leon to admit), whether on the battlefield or not.

Not that Leon would ever tell Kamui any of that.  It was embarrassing enough just thinking about it.  Imagine if Kamui actually knew, then he’d be all like “I thought I wasn’t your type” while possibly imitating Leon’s voice, because he was a fucking asshole.

The two of them had been hired to help settle a territorial dispute between two rival groups of bandits, and as they say, money is money is money.  In a couple of months, they’d probably be hired by some concerned villagers or an angry merchant to eliminate the remaining group of bandits.  It was just how things worked.

“I can’t believe we’re joining up with a gang of regular thieves,” Leon grumbled.

“Hey, their gold is just as good as anyone else’s,” Kamui replied, “besides, in a couple weeks, someone’ll be paying us to get rid of _these_ guys, so it all works out.”

Leon rolled his eyes.  “What’s with you and money?”

“When you live a life like mine, money’s all you really have.  It gets you food, shelter, anything really.  When we gave up our way of life and migrated to the city, money was the only thing we could really rely on.”

“That’s depressing,” muttered Leon.  He tried to put himself in Kamui’s place, living a nomadic, relatively unconstrained life and then being forced to give up his livelihood for a stationary life within a city’s walls.  No wonder Kamui was a little antsy about some things.

Though they’d fought side-by-side for nearly two years, Leon realized he knew very little about Kamui.  It was strange, because Leon imagined Kamui knew quite a bit about himself, given that he had trouble keeping his mouth shut about a majority of it.  Even now, as they were cutting down bandits, Kamui’s fighting style, his clothes, his countenance were so obviously foreign that Leon had a hard time figuring out why he’d never asked about it.  Most of what he knew about his companion came from things Kamui had brought up on his own, which was comparatively little.  Sure, Leon knew he’d spent his formative years herding sheep through the steppes of his homeland, and that he hated being stuck in one place for too long, but what else?

Leon released the bowstring and buried an arrow deep into a man’s neck.  Ugh, he needed to focus!  This was a battlefield!  From the corner of his eye, he saw a flash of steel; a bandit who had gotten way, way too close.  Leon barely had enough time to react; all he could do was turn and helplessly watch his own imminent demise.

“Leon, holy shit!” shouted Kamui as he disposed of the axeman.  “Are you alright?”

Leon was a bit shaken.  As a soldier he’d come close to death many a time, but it had never been so… so _quick_.  He barely registered his surroundings save for Kamui’s hands on his shoulders, anchoring him to the world.  “Y-yeah, I’m alright.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I…” Leon swallowed, unable to find the words to speak.

“I think we need to sit this out.”

“Huh? But what about –”

“Being honest,” began Kamui, looking back at the fray, “I don’t think they’ll notice if we leave.”

“That’s not…”

“Listen, this job isn’t important, especially not if you’re going to be distracted the whole time and get yourself killed.  They haven’t paid us the full amount, it’s not like we’re scamming them,” he explained.

“They paid us half,” Leon pointed out.

“Yeah, and we did our jobs halfway, so it evens out.”

“Pfft.  You’re horrible.”  Leon allowed himself to be led away from the battle, taking a single glance back but otherwise not taking his eyes from the ground.  It was embarrassing, freezing up like that and having to be saved by someone.  Not that he wasn’t grateful, but it was just so _amateur_.

“Leon, forgive me if this is personal, but… is everything alright?” Kamui began, “you’ve been kind of out of it lately.  Not to mention you’ve been genuinely nice to me for the past couple weeks, which is, not gonna lie, kinda freaking me out.”

Fuck, had he really been acting different?  “Maybe I just feel like being nice?”

"That's impossible.  Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, really!” Leon insisted.  He’d been trying to remain impartial and act the same as always.  Was he really so bad at keeping his feelings hidden?

Kamui just shrugged and kept walking.

“Are you sure nothing’s bothering you?” he asked again.

Leon rolled his eyes.  “Ugh, what’re you going on about?  Is it really such a problem with me being nice?”

“Oh, you’re back to normal,” said Kamui.

“Hmph.”  Leon scowled.  As far as he was concerned, this conversation was over.  From the corner of his eye, he could see that Kamui was looking at him.  He felt a spike of irritation.

“What’s with that look?”

Kamui sighed.  “Leon, face it.  You’re not exactly subtle.”  He looked at Leon knowingly, like he was expecting him to admit to something.

It just made Leon more frustrated.  Who did Kamui think he was, believing he could understand what Leon was thinking?  Who did he think he was, being right?  “About what?”

“About anything.”

He'd just have to be disappointed, then.  “Well, whatever you think this is about, you’re wrong.  There’s not even a ‘this’ in the first place.  There’s nothing like that.”

Kamui didn’t bring it up again.

***

They stopped at a tavern later in the evening, hoping to find some decent food and decent lodgings.  They were serving some sort of meaty soup, which certainly wasn't on Leon's list of favorites, but as long as it didn't taste like literal garbage, he wasn't going to complain.

Kamui, on the other hand, loved dishes like this, though today it seemed he wasn't in the mood for it.

“Is something the matter?” asked Leon without looking up from his dinner.

“No… I don’t know.”  Kamui shrugged.  “I’m thinking I’ll leave pretty soon, I mean there’s noth–”

“No!” shouted Leon, surprising himself with the vehemence of his tone and attracting the attention of everyone in the tavern.

“Uh…” said Kamui.

Leon lowered his voice: “You can’t,” he hissed.

“Why not?  I didn’t think you cared.”

“I don’t!  It’s just…”  Leon wracked his brain for any viable reason he could muster.  “They – Jesse – the country still needs you,” said Leon, sounding like he had no idea what he was talking about, “um, it’s still in its early stages, so… wouldn’t it be wise to wait a little bit, until the country is more established?”

“I guess?  I think Jesse and Saber can handle it, I’m really not–”

Leon shook his head.  “They can’t,” he said firmly, gesturing vaguely with his hand, “it’d just fall apart without you.”

“Alright,” said Kamui, “I didn’t think you really cared for the whole thing.”

Leon tried his best to sound offended.  “Umm, of course I care?  I care a lot?  Are you implying I’m the sort of person to not care about things?”

“No, I’m saying you’re the type of person to only care about certain things, and a country of mercenaries isn’t one of them.”

Leon scoffed.  He kept quiet about it for the rest of the way back, but the thought was constantly on his mind: what if one day Leon woke up and Kamui was already gone?  It loomed over him like a dark cloud; behind his thoughts, under his eyelids as he slept, beating through his veins.

It wasn’t until they got home that Leon thought to bring it up.  He followed Kamui into the house, choosing to linger in the doorway as he watched the other man remove his light armor.  The room was dark, save for the moonlight that filtered in from the windows and the lantern they’d brought in from outside, and for some reason it made Leon feel bold.  He took a step forward.

“Um, Kamui…” he said, lightly touching the other man’s arm to get his attention.  “When you do leave, please, just tell me first.”

Kamui had turned around to look at him with a puzzled expression.  “What’s this about?” he said.  They were standing awfully close, and Leon fixed his gaze at a point just beyond Kamui’s shoulder.  “Why wouldn’t I tell you?”

Leon glanced up at the other man’s face.  His heart was beating so fuckening fast, like it was going on some sort of rampage.  They were so close; he could feel the other’s breath.

“I mean, what makes you think I wouldn’t ask you to come along?” said Kamui, who was completely unmoved and oblivious, but oh gods Leon felt like he was on fire –

Well, Leon had never been shy.

The kiss was slow.  Kamui tasted salty from the day’s work and Leon found himself pulling the other man closer to deepen the kiss.  It had been so long since the last time he’d had anything like this, he’d forgotten how good it felt to be intimate with somebody else; to be held close, to hear another’s heartbeat…

The door swung open.  “Hey, have either of you seen my – uh.”  It was Jesse, who hadn’t yet realized that doors existed to create fucking privacy.

“Ugh,” groaned Leon. 

“Uhh,” said Kamui.

Despite the intrusion, neither of them made any move to separate from the other. 

Rationally, one shouldn't wish death upon his own comrades.  Leon knew this.  Right now, however, Leon kind of wanted Jesse to drown, or get trampled by a horse, or get struck by lightning, but only like a little bit of lightning.

“Um… Am I interrupting something?” said Jesse, “I’m interrupting something, aren’t I?”

“Noo, not at all,” said Leon, who wanted to scream.  “Come in and have a seat.”

“We’re just… two guys, having a heart-to-heart,” said Kamui.

“Oh.  Right,” said Jesse, “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

“What did he even want?” Leon snapped.

“Do I look like I know?”

The silence that followed lasted three long, awkward seconds.

“So…” Leon began, “do you wanna…?”

“Sorry, that completely killed the mood.”

“Yeah,” said Leon, thoroughly humiliated.  He left to wash his face and change out of his uniform, his thoughts racing through his head faster than he could acknowledge them.  When he returned, Kamui had already retired to his room, having taken one of the lanterns with him.

Kamui was sitting up in his bed, reading a book in the dim light.  He seemed to notice Leon approach almost immediately.  “Hey,” he said.

Leon stood in the doorway, not quite knowing what he was going to say.  “Hey,” he said, taking a couple steps forward.  Kamui moved over a little bit, making room for Leon to sit down on the bed.  “What are you reading?”

“It’s a book about mushrooms.”

“Oh,” said Leon, “that sounds interesting.”

“It’s not,” he replied.  “I don’t even like mushrooms.”

Leon shrugged.  “They’re okay.”

“Come on, I know you didn’t come in here to ask about my reading material,” Kamui stated.  “What is it?”

Leon let out the breath that he was holding.  “Okay, so, earlier, what you said… were you being serious?”

“About how I’d ask you to come along if I were to leave?  Why would I joke about that?”

Leon nodded.

“Of course, you wouldn’t _have_ to come, that’s entirely up to you –”

Leon scooted closer to the other man so that their shoulders were touching.  “No, I’d want to go,” he said, leaning his head on his friend’s shoulder.

Kamui snaked his arm around Leon’s waist.  “You’d have to sit on a boat for a couple weeks.  Or months.  Depends on where we decide to go.”

Leon grit his teeth, already imagining the hell that would be.  “That’s fine,” he said, “I want to go with you, okay?  Even if it means I have to… to sit on a boat for a couple months, fuck, even if I had to sit on a boat for the rest of my _life_ , I would still probably do it, if it means I’m with you.”

“Wow Leon.  For you, that’s pretty heartfelt.”

He gave Kamui a playful shove.  “Shut up.”

Leon closed his eyes and allowed himself to be submerged in the other man’s warmth, the feeling of a steady hand rubbing circles into his side lulling him to sleep.

***

When Kamui left Valentia a couple of years later, Leon accompanied him. Eventually they ran out of places Kamui hadn't been, prompting them to revisit the places he had. This time, however, he had company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god, fuck, i give up. if there's some dumb bullshit i forgot to fix in the middle of the story then.... i'm not gonna fix it for at least three days.
> 
> "we're just... two guys, bein' dudes." -kamui
> 
> my car is totaled and now i am faced with a big choice: do i go for the practical car (subaru impreza) or the COOL car (2016 dodge dart gt sport, bright orange). what will win? rational thought, or vanity????
> 
> the subaru would look funnier with a "dicksquad" bumper sticker, but with the dodge, I could carefully remove the 'D' from "dart" and replace it with the 'F' from my old ford focus, and then I could drive a dodge fart
> 
> to everybody urging me not to get hit by another car: you have no idea what my track record is. this was like the fifth or sixth time. I am cursed.


End file.
